is “living” with pain really living?

I just can not understand why some doctors, and obviously most politicians don’t understand the realities of chronic pain. I understand the need for me to wean off of the morphine, as it is not working well any more and I didn’t want to go up on it. That’s tolerance and a sad, yet true effect of taking opioids. But here I am, near the end of weaning, and I am hurting so badly I really and truly feel suicidal. I really feel like my life is not worth living. All I do is sit here. When I try to go out, like now to meet with my mom, the pain was so bad I am in tears and my mom is scared for me. She sees me struggle to move, walk, stand, drive. She sees me collapse in pain and barely catch myself. Even with my walker. To top it off my tooth is busted and infected and it is hurting so bad I can’t eat or drink. And I am scared to go to the walk in cause high wait times and the flu which, if I get, can kill me. I already had a bout with the flu, and don’t think my body can take another. 

      My point is, in weaning they need to do better to keep a continuity of pain relief. I get that on morphine days mixing drugs is dangerous. But now that it is every other day, on days without it it is like pure hell. It’s bad on days with it ffs as the dose is so low. Right now I sit here, suffering. Thinking thoughts about death being better than this and of going to buy alcohol just to numb this pain. I get there is problems with addicts. But do not cause suffering on those who need the meds for a quality of life. 

      I am hoping I can get my doctor to at least get me something for the off days. The doctor knows I am not addicted to the meds. They also know I desperately need help. Hopefully they can help me soon before I do something dumb to stop the unending pain. 

      As for the acute pain, Medicaid, Medicare and tooth care are a whole other rant for another blog. For now I am going to hopefully not vomit as I go to be with my mom and grandma and try to get through it. Oh I took NSAIDS I was so desperate and the doctors said under no circumstances should i take them as they are a danger to my kidneys, stomach, and due to NSAID induced bronchiospasms, my lungs. I had to do a nebulizer twice to breathe. Lets hope it helps the pain and the asthma attacks were worth it.