So, an update on my conditions. I recently have been diagnosed with Dermatomyositis. I still dont know a lot about it yet. However, there's a risk of cancers so now I have to have blood and urine tests, EMG, CT scan of my upper body, MRI of my muscles, a pelvic internal ultrasound and pap smear, and colonoscopy. I am scared and very overwhelmed with the sheer volume of tests and magnitude of having to do this. I don't think I have a cancer. (I hope not) but it has to be done. But it is overwhelming.
I also am back on the Methotrexate. Injection starting 0.5ml 1x a week. Low dose. But I generally tolerated it well in the past. But in times of CoVid I need to be more careful now.
Through this, today I left the clinic strong and stoic, head held high. No one can see my tears. But as soon as I got in the car, I started to shake, and cry. The panic and fear, and exhaustion, and uncertainty, and years of everything, combined with the sheer volume of what I must endure now left me sobbing in the car. I pulled it together and started to drive, stoic again.
I called my niece as I was driving and had to be careful because I was crying again. She is such a beautiful soul and I felt bad for unloading my fears on her. But I know of anyone understands anxiety it is her. She's really a light in my life. I love my nieces and nephew. With my whole heart. They are part of why I fight when I feel like it's too hard. Because my love for them far exceeds my fears.
Then there is my wonderful boyfriend, such a sweet man. He is sipportive as well and can always be counted on when I need him. He is a gift to me and one I cherish every day. I only hope I can find some way to show him how special he is to me. I can not think of anything that is big enough to show him how much I love him, and how I will always be there for him, as he is for me, to the best of my abilities. I need to get him a special gift. Not for any reason but because he is a delight and my heart.
My mom she is a gentle soul. She has been through so much with me since childhood. Illnesses, hospitals, CSA, domestic violence, you name it, she has been there to help me as a child and an adult. She really doesn't see how much she means to me. But she is my heart too. I only hope I make her proud despite my life's plans taking a turn away from it's intent.
My cousin, she is so kind and gentle. She understands pain and feeling sick and how it affects you. She makes me feel. Less alone and more understood in our shared experiences. We have always been close and I hope we can always stay that way.
My friends, the 3 that have been there through thick and thin, I wouldn't be able to say I am who I am without them. God I love them. Without question.
So I have people who are there for me, and I will fight and keep going despite the fear and uncertainty. For them and for me. I just need to ensure that my mind doesn't roll down rhe rabbit hole into oblivion. So this blog will be updated more regularly now.
Love to you all,
Tamara
