Skeletons and Phantom Pains

Just like that the skeletons in my closet have rattled out.  So tired of fighting these fuckers and shoving them back into submission. Who’d have thought what happened over 30 years ago would still haunt me randomly? How the actions of others could have scarred me so deeply that I fear I will always be damaged. Don’t get me wrong. The wounds have healed. But like a lost limb, the phantom pains of  what was there but is no longer still attacks me at random. Leaving me to fight with myself, that little girl inside of me who just wants to be loved, but not like that. Maybe I just need to embrace her instead. She doesn’t deserve to be forever locked away in the dark. She is me and I am her. Once I can accept what she endured enough to fully love her, maybe we both can really heal. 

Just ramblings from a lunatic. 

is “living” with pain really living?

I just can not understand why some doctors, and obviously most politicians don’t understand the realities of chronic pain. I understand the need for me to wean off of the morphine, as it is not working well any more and I didn’t want to go up on it. That’s tolerance and a sad, yet true effect of taking opioids. But here I am, near the end of weaning, and I am hurting so badly I really and truly feel suicidal. I really feel like my life is not worth living. All I do is sit here. When I try to go out, like now to meet with my mom, the pain was so bad I am in tears and my mom is scared for me. She sees me struggle to move, walk, stand, drive. She sees me collapse in pain and barely catch myself. Even with my walker. To top it off my tooth is busted and infected and it is hurting so bad I can’t eat or drink. And I am scared to go to the walk in cause high wait times and the flu which, if I get, can kill me. I already had a bout with the flu, and don’t think my body can take another. 

      My point is, in weaning they need to do better to keep a continuity of pain relief. I get that on morphine days mixing drugs is dangerous. But now that it is every other day, on days without it it is like pure hell. It’s bad on days with it ffs as the dose is so low. Right now I sit here, suffering. Thinking thoughts about death being better than this and of going to buy alcohol just to numb this pain. I get there is problems with addicts. But do not cause suffering on those who need the meds for a quality of life. 

      I am hoping I can get my doctor to at least get me something for the off days. The doctor knows I am not addicted to the meds. They also know I desperately need help. Hopefully they can help me soon before I do something dumb to stop the unending pain. 

      As for the acute pain, Medicaid, Medicare and tooth care are a whole other rant for another blog. For now I am going to hopefully not vomit as I go to be with my mom and grandma and try to get through it. Oh I took NSAIDS I was so desperate and the doctors said under no circumstances should i take them as they are a danger to my kidneys, stomach, and due to NSAID induced bronchiospasms, my lungs. I had to do a nebulizer twice to breathe. Lets hope it helps the pain and the asthma attacks were worth it. 

Crinkles and Boredom

All work and no play makes Tamara a dull girl. All work and no play makes Tamara a dull girl. All work and no play makes Tamara a dull girl. Seriously if I do not find something to do and someone to do it with soon, I am going to start hallucinating simply to entertain myself. My brain can only handle so much dull in one day.  I wish many of my friends, such as Maureen was closer. Never a dull moment around that girl! I am going to go stare at my wall. Maybe I can hallucinate a fun pattern or something. *grin*

High as a Kite, Low as a Grave

So, today my mood is better. The stupid thing is, now my body won’t cooperate. So here I lay, bedridden and alone. Nothing but my imaginary friends to keep me company. (Hands off my unicorn you ruthless trolls!!!) 

It is interesting to say the least, how a sound mind doesn’t always equal a sound body, and vice versa. 

I give up. I’m going to pour coconut oil over my life and hopefully that will fix everything. After all Dr Oz and that Avacado dude say it cures everything. 

I’m going to bed and if I’m not a sane, thin yet curvy, perfectly healthy and rich person, I am suing Avacado and Dr Oz for lying to me. 

Goodnight my friends, and don’t talk to strangers. Especially ones with imaginary friends!