The hardest post I have ever written.

 I literally have been thinking hard about if I should do this. After all, it is a secret I have held on to for years. Ever since I was a child. What would it accomplish? Who would it hurt? Is it really needed? In these questions I have decided that I need to speak out, to speak my truth even if it is hard for others to stomach. Even if it shatters the illusion around the person who literally ruined my life. 

     I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. The perpetrator of that abuse was a well known, well respected musician in my state. He is even in the ND music hall of fame. His name is Jeff Mooridian. 

     When I was a child near 8 or 9 my mom and he were friends. I loved garbage pail kids and I would do chores for people to get money to buy them. Because he was a trusted friend I agreed to help clean his house. So he would pick me up and drive to Sabin, to that white house and I would clean for a few hours while my mom got stuff done. Seemed really neat and it was. 

     Then one day it wasn't. I was in the bathroom one day and he had a scale. I was on it cause I was a chubby kid. Not huge but I was called chubby. He came into the bathroom and told me "the scale will be more accurate if you take your clothes off. You'll weigh less". So I told him to leave and he did, and I got undressed. I got on the scale. He came in and I sat down on the toliet covering my body. He moved my hands and said "you are developing into a beautiful young lady. Don't cover up". Then he forced my legs apart. I fought but he was stronger.  He touched me telling me he was checking me. He moaned and said I was beautiful and felt good. I felt scared and alone. When he was done I quickly put on my clothes and sat there trying to process this. 

     Then it started. Regular abuse just like that. He was not violent or mean, and I was so confused. So scared. I became depressed and more isolated and angry. I was told that he would hurt my sister if I didn't do things he wanted. And he said my mom would blame me and hate me if I told her or didn't do what he wanted because I was supposed to follow his rules. 

     Another incident happened when he told me to take and clean out the box in the closet. I did and it was filled with pornographic photos and magazines of women. He walked in and said to me "do you like that?" Then he sat on the bed. He said "you don't have to if you don't want to but come sit naked on the bed with me." I told him no but I would sit with my clothes on. He tried pressuring me to take off my clothes, telling me I was beautiful, and touching me in my shirt and pants. He forced his hands in my pants. In my shirt. He put his fingers inside. After he was done, he said that I could make him feel good and he could make me feel even better if I took my clothes off. I told him I am not comfortable and after a few more minutes of tugging and begging he left. I now see he was giving me the illusion of choice, making me feel like I had control even though he had all the control. I now know that, had I taken my clothes off, I most certainly would have been fully raped. More than just with his fingers. 

After that I ran away from there but I was in Sabin. Where would I go? i couldnt run home. He chased me and when he got me he threatened me saying he wouldn't take me home, and that if I told my mom would hate me again. 

I stopped going over there after awhile. I told my mom I didn't want to. So he came to the house. He offered to take me to Hardees and I said I don't want to but he gave me that look and I went cause I knew mom would blame me (now I know my fears were from his lies. If my mom knew shed have killed him). We went to Hardees and I got a pound puppy doll and a meal. He drove over to where 30th Ave S in Moorhead was and parked in a lot. He put his hands in my shirt and pants again. Rubbing and grunting. I screamed at him no and I want to go home. He said I got you the puppy doll you wanted. I owed him. I said bring me home and he did. 

I never seen him again because one day my mom was playing duling banjos, a song Jeff used to play on his banjo. I came downstairs and took the tape out and screamed at her to turn it off. I hated that song. She got mad and I started to hit and become violent. She held me and asked what was wrong with me. I started to sob and curl up (about 10 years old or 11?) and I said I hate it because he plays it, and I spilled everything. My mom was livid. She busted the tape. She held me and told me he wouldn't hurt me again. She called the police. I had to give a statement and go to the hospital. I cant recall if they examined me or not. 

He was arrested and admitted to it all. I never knew what his punishment was. But mine was lifelong. I tried to kill myself at the age of 11 and 12. Hanging with a belt and overdose. And that abuse led to the situations where I became medicated, depressed, panic stricken and more. I am 41 in a few months, and I still have nightmares. I am nauseated typing this. 

     He was forgotten except by my subconscious until I seen a news story. Local Musician died. Jeff Mooridian. And I went into a panic attack. I curled up like a baby again and cried. My sister couldn't believe what she was seeing with the story. How great he was. How he was an amazing man. Friends of mine who did not know this or me at that age taking prt in tributes to him. He was in the ND rock country music hall of fame. He went on to do great things for himself. Remarried. Dunno if he had kids but I pray they were safe. And my life has been pure hell. 

      I haven't spoken this truth except to my old therapist when I brought up his name. Turned out my therapist knew who he was. I guess from the community. I never went back to him as I was ashamed for speaking his name. Like I was a bad person for speaking my truth. 

     Despite what he has done, I forgave him. For myself. But I can't hide it any more. I may lose friends because I spoke his name. But I am a survivor. What do I hope to gain speaking this. Saying his name? I hope to gain freedom from this hellacious secret that has been carried all these years. Hope that others will have the courage to speak up way before I could. 

    Say their name. Jeff Mooridian. He hurt me. I shouldn't carry his guilt and shame inside of me. And I am done doing so. If you know him I am sorry. I held it in because I didn't want to hurt others. But I can't hang onto it any more. It is killing me and his actions took most of my life already. 

     Jeff Moordian I set you free from my thoughts and my heart. You no longer have power over me. I'm not going to let your actions be my legacy. That is your legacy and even though you are not here any more it is time you owned it. I am done carrying it. 

     Thank you for listening. 

My Journey Out of Madness, Day 1

      First a disclaimer. I use the term madness to describe my symptoms, not my illnesses. I do not see mental illness as "crazy", nor those who suffer them as "mad". I am describing, for my own self, how it felt being in the condition I was in, my own internal experiences. While words such as crazy looney psycho or madness may be okay for me, in history those terms have been used to exploit, and isolate Mental Illness sufferers from society.

      I use them to take back my power. Take back my dignity. Take the bad out of words and use it to empower. While that is my way of dealing and coping, please remember that others may find these word degrading. This blog is my journey, and I ask that you remember every person coping with illnesses of the mind are very individual. Find out what is comfortable for each person before using words like these. 

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     So, I started Partial Hospitalization Program again on Tuesday, May 22, 2017. Partial hospital is an intensive mental health treatment program that runs from 9am to 3pm (other programs nay vary, these are my program hours), and I go home at night. It is for those sick enough to need more support than outpatient treatments (weekly or monthly appointments), but not sick enough to require 24/7 round the clock care (inpatient hospitalization). Often it is a bridge between inpatient and outpatient, but can also be used for my purpose, to not deteriorate into needing full inpatient care. It incorporates med nanagement, skills training, activity therapy, group and individual therapy. 

     For me, my life has been slowly spiraling out of contol for awhile. Usually, I get this way because I do not follow through with some aspect of my care. This time I did everything right, but circumstances became more than my coping skills, and medication can only do do much, so I spiraled downward. 

     If you view my blog post called My Twin Flame is Lost , you will see that one of my biggest supports, my first love, and my best friend, passed away quite young and tragically. I haven't dealt well with it at all. Combine that with an increase in my medical issues (I suffer with two rare autoimmune diseases, Microscopic Polyangiitis and Behcet's Dise ase, as well as a fat disorder called Lipoedema. I also am recovering from an Acute Pulmonary Embolism secondary to the Behcet's.), the loss of my grandfather, the loss of my job, feeling like a burden to others, and isolation due to my illnesses, it was all bound to flare up my mental health problems. 

     Over the past few months, I found myself slowly losing interest in things I enjoyed. I made plans with friends and family, but just could not follow through. I just had no will to participate in my own life, let alone the lives of others. This avoidance turned to isolation which turned into a full fledged phobia of leaving my home. I felt artificially safe in my house, eventually that safety narrowed to my bed. I was now a prisoner in my own head. Fear, self hatered, paranoia, and extreme depression led me to neglect my appointments. I cancelled them citing various reasons. None of which were "I am losing my mind, my head is full of horror and I am being held hostage by my own brain!" 

     When I did manage to override the fear and go to an appointment, when they asked "do you feel safe at home?" I wanted to say no. That my brain was slowly beating me down, and holding me hostage in bed like some prisoner being forced into solitary confinement. I wanted to say "the only danger to me is myself ", and that I was being held hostage by thoughts of suicide and my fear of acting on them. So, do you feel safe at home? My answer? "Yes". 

     My medical health declined rapidly as I barely ate, couldn't shower, stopped or missed meds, because I couldn't go get them, and that further dragged me into darkness. My body became the warden, my mind a prison. My soul was the prisoner. Pain, both mental and physical became so perversely prominent that I debated even why I was worth saving. I felt like I would be better off dead, and others could be free of my burdensome existence. I went numb. When I lose ability to feel, the next step is suicide.  Having recently lost a person I looked up to to suicide, as well as one of my best friends in 2003, and a man like a dad to me as a child, to suicide, I eventually reached out. Funny thing is, I cancelled the assessment more than once, but that teeny speck of hope sonewhere inside propelled me to go the third time. So here I am. 

      So I have a few days in at PHP. That's three days of not isolating. Three days of support. Of course last night I ended up in the ER. My months of neglect for my health caught up to me so I couldn't go today to PHP, and programming doesn't resume until Tuesday due to the holiday. I am feeling better medically. (I was drowning in fluid, and thanks to the medication I have peed over 30 times in the last 35 hours, which is good!). I can breathe and pain is decreasing some. So is my headaches and other things. However I have four days to wait until I can go back to PHP and I am scared. 

     My goal is to go to any event on Memorial Day I can. Usually my NA groups have a picnic. If I can my goal is to try to go. At least for an hour. Or at least do something. Will I be successful? I hope so. Time will tell. I have to pee again so this is bye for now! Stay tuned for daily updates!