Friday, June 20, 2014
Chronic Illness is hard...
Sometimes being chronically ill is hard. I am used to the appointments, the medications, the pain, the feeling like crap, what I am not used to, and what I will never get used to, is the fact others are disappointed in me because I need rest, or I can't do certain things. I am feeling like I would be better off if I just had no relationships with anyone,and just kept to myself. At least then I have no one to disappoint, and hearing the people you care about the most say to you that they are sick of you not being able to do anything, to be told that I am lucky I do not have to work right now, that I have it made and they wish they could have it as easy as me, well...it hurts. I really feel right now as though no one can possibly understand. I really do not feel as though I am anything right now to people but a bother. Someone people invite places out of it being the proper thing to do, but not really being into being with me because I can't do what they can. I dunno. I am very close to shutting down again, pushing everyone out of my world and being alone. It really hurts less.
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Tamara, boy do I exactly get what you are saying, feeling. The only thing that mind ease things for you is to know there are others out there like you who do get it. It doesn't make it easier with family or those we what to be close to but unfortunately we do not get to pick our blood family. I have one person in my family who really understands. I have created for myself a small group of people who deserve to be called family. I decided to have expectations from people. I would help people to understand what the illness and effects were. I offered ideas on things we can do not do in order to have a good time. If those individuals chose to be jackasses they lose my respect and company. It is very tough, but the more I have healthy relationships of my own creation, the less effect these people have on me. This leaves me more energy, which I must conserve anyways to make my life more enjoyable. Yes, I wish and feel really bad about family etc who are so shallow- but that is what they are choosing to be. In a strange way this means I can filter out the not so good from the worth spending time with people much more quickly. Write me if you wish to have more contact. Mary
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