The hardest post I have ever written.

 I literally have been thinking hard about if I should do this. After all, it is a secret I have held on to for years. Ever since I was a child. What would it accomplish? Who would it hurt? Is it really needed? In these questions I have decided that I need to speak out, to speak my truth even if it is hard for others to stomach. Even if it shatters the illusion around the person who literally ruined my life. 

     I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse. The perpetrator of that abuse was a well known, well respected musician in my state. He is even in the ND music hall of fame. His name is Jeff Mooridian. 

     When I was a child near 8 or 9 my mom and he were friends. I loved garbage pail kids and I would do chores for people to get money to buy them. Because he was a trusted friend I agreed to help clean his house. So he would pick me up and drive to Sabin, to that white house and I would clean for a few hours while my mom got stuff done. Seemed really neat and it was. 

     Then one day it wasn't. I was in the bathroom one day and he had a scale. I was on it cause I was a chubby kid. Not huge but I was called chubby. He came into the bathroom and told me "the scale will be more accurate if you take your clothes off. You'll weigh less". So I told him to leave and he did, and I got undressed. I got on the scale. He came in and I sat down on the toliet covering my body. He moved my hands and said "you are developing into a beautiful young lady. Don't cover up". Then he forced my legs apart. I fought but he was stronger.  He touched me telling me he was checking me. He moaned and said I was beautiful and felt good. I felt scared and alone. When he was done I quickly put on my clothes and sat there trying to process this. 

     Then it started. Regular abuse just like that. He was not violent or mean, and I was so confused. So scared. I became depressed and more isolated and angry. I was told that he would hurt my sister if I didn't do things he wanted. And he said my mom would blame me and hate me if I told her or didn't do what he wanted because I was supposed to follow his rules. 

     Another incident happened when he told me to take and clean out the box in the closet. I did and it was filled with pornographic photos and magazines of women. He walked in and said to me "do you like that?" Then he sat on the bed. He said "you don't have to if you don't want to but come sit naked on the bed with me." I told him no but I would sit with my clothes on. He tried pressuring me to take off my clothes, telling me I was beautiful, and touching me in my shirt and pants. He forced his hands in my pants. In my shirt. He put his fingers inside. After he was done, he said that I could make him feel good and he could make me feel even better if I took my clothes off. I told him I am not comfortable and after a few more minutes of tugging and begging he left. I now see he was giving me the illusion of choice, making me feel like I had control even though he had all the control. I now know that, had I taken my clothes off, I most certainly would have been fully raped. More than just with his fingers. 

After that I ran away from there but I was in Sabin. Where would I go? i couldnt run home. He chased me and when he got me he threatened me saying he wouldn't take me home, and that if I told my mom would hate me again. 

I stopped going over there after awhile. I told my mom I didn't want to. So he came to the house. He offered to take me to Hardees and I said I don't want to but he gave me that look and I went cause I knew mom would blame me (now I know my fears were from his lies. If my mom knew shed have killed him). We went to Hardees and I got a pound puppy doll and a meal. He drove over to where 30th Ave S in Moorhead was and parked in a lot. He put his hands in my shirt and pants again. Rubbing and grunting. I screamed at him no and I want to go home. He said I got you the puppy doll you wanted. I owed him. I said bring me home and he did. 

I never seen him again because one day my mom was playing duling banjos, a song Jeff used to play on his banjo. I came downstairs and took the tape out and screamed at her to turn it off. I hated that song. She got mad and I started to hit and become violent. She held me and asked what was wrong with me. I started to sob and curl up (about 10 years old or 11?) and I said I hate it because he plays it, and I spilled everything. My mom was livid. She busted the tape. She held me and told me he wouldn't hurt me again. She called the police. I had to give a statement and go to the hospital. I cant recall if they examined me or not. 

He was arrested and admitted to it all. I never knew what his punishment was. But mine was lifelong. I tried to kill myself at the age of 11 and 12. Hanging with a belt and overdose. And that abuse led to the situations where I became medicated, depressed, panic stricken and more. I am 41 in a few months, and I still have nightmares. I am nauseated typing this. 

     He was forgotten except by my subconscious until I seen a news story. Local Musician died. Jeff Mooridian. And I went into a panic attack. I curled up like a baby again and cried. My sister couldn't believe what she was seeing with the story. How great he was. How he was an amazing man. Friends of mine who did not know this or me at that age taking prt in tributes to him. He was in the ND rock country music hall of fame. He went on to do great things for himself. Remarried. Dunno if he had kids but I pray they were safe. And my life has been pure hell. 

      I haven't spoken this truth except to my old therapist when I brought up his name. Turned out my therapist knew who he was. I guess from the community. I never went back to him as I was ashamed for speaking his name. Like I was a bad person for speaking my truth. 

     Despite what he has done, I forgave him. For myself. But I can't hide it any more. I may lose friends because I spoke his name. But I am a survivor. What do I hope to gain speaking this. Saying his name? I hope to gain freedom from this hellacious secret that has been carried all these years. Hope that others will have the courage to speak up way before I could. 

    Say their name. Jeff Mooridian. He hurt me. I shouldn't carry his guilt and shame inside of me. And I am done doing so. If you know him I am sorry. I held it in because I didn't want to hurt others. But I can't hang onto it any more. It is killing me and his actions took most of my life already. 

     Jeff Moordian I set you free from my thoughts and my heart. You no longer have power over me. I'm not going to let your actions be my legacy. That is your legacy and even though you are not here any more it is time you owned it. I am done carrying it. 

     Thank you for listening.