Brain Scans and Unwashed Pans

Seriously. I have been dealing with a small issue that has me scared and at the mercy of doctors and their fabulous timing. See, i had a headache for four months. Every damn day. Combine that with stupidity at a communication level you have one weirded out neurologist who will stop at nothing to find what lies beneath. So I had a CT scan done of that piece of tissue between my ears, the brain. They seen on one slice a "hyperdense 2-3mm focus" and "motion artifacts which made reading the scan difficult".  Of course the small hyperdense focus is near the "foramen of monro" in the "anterior ventricle of my brain" in laymans terms despite the terrible issues with the scan, this small hyperdense focus is in the prime spot to be something called a colloid cyst. A colloid cyst is a growing cyst made up of all sorts of fun funky crap. It can block the flow of fluid in your brain and cause an enlargement of the ventricles and kill you. The cure? Invasive brain surgery to remove the cyst. Anyway they said it is not ruled out and i had to do an MRI to confirm or rule out said potential cyst so, i have been scared as hell processing a potential little asshole in my head that could change my life forever, and I schedule the MRI. I go there and thanks to my big ole lipoedema arms i barely fit in the MRI tube. Of course they can't scan you like that. Not to mention i nearly died of a panic attack going into that god forsaken tube of creepiness. The only thing good was the awesome people who were there. (Waves to buffy) So they scheduled me for an open MRI. Seriously, that thing looks like a giant hamburger bun and my butt was smack dab in the middle. This made me the meaty goodness inside the MRI bun. So i have the scan yesterday complete with a very bloody IV with contrast (i was being a thin blooded bleeding freakshow for some reason yesterday), and creating songs in my head when i heard the hellacious noises that machine makes (i may have created the next hit industrial song from my time in the scanner. trent Reznor should hit me up for the melody)... And now i wait. I'm trying to stay hopeful but it is scary facing something like this. I guess it has taught me to have gratitude for my life now, and that i need to stop sweating the dumb things. You learn from fear i think, and i hope to god this turns out to be nothing. Time will tell. Now to resist stalking the doctor until they give me the results. (Seriously. I will sit outside of his house with binoculars and a large 44oz soda hooting like an owl just for effect lol) I just want to move on with whatever the next step may be. Either rejoicing in a head free of lumps of blobby crap, or facing having my head poked in like some sort of zombie appetizer on a stick. Time will tell. Just breathe. And for god sake wash the damn dishes. Your kitchen looks like hell. 

Relief With a Side of Back to the Old Drawing Bored

My MRI scans came back clear! They originally thought I had what appeared to be a colloid cyst in my brain. Comparative scans and a team of specialists reading the scans and the original one as well ruled that out. I am so thankful i am in tears. The thing is while I really did not want a cyst or tumor in my brain, now I need to keep doing testing to figure out the causes of my symptoms. So it is gratitude followed with a side of "well now what?"

Now on to an EEG to rule out seizures and some neuropsych testing to rule out organic brain issues. Grateful and relieved beyond measure right now. I need a hug cause all these weeks of worry and fears have hit me at once now that i know i am okay with that part. Thank you to all who prayed for me and sent healing. 

Attitude of Grattitude

Lately people have been so kind to me. Little things, helping me clean the house, picking up and buying food at the vet for my cat, grabbing food and tampons and other stuff I need, and now gifts of coloring books and colors!!!! My life has been rough as of late. My legs are swelling terribly. I am not doing well with pain and fatigue. I injured my knee and came down with an upper respiratory problem. This is bad because I can't take my chemo and other immunosuppressive drugs when I am sick, so the Vasculitis takes over. I have been barely scraping by on the finances. It has been really hard. But these small acts of kindness, they change my life. They make it bearable and give me strength to keep fighting when I want to just give in. I need to remember God puts me where I need to be. Not where I want to be. Sometimes the bad stuff puts me into the middle of events that I can use to change lives. Chronic disabling diseases are hard. But small acts of love, they tame the beast. Like my niece drew during the Fargo ND Violin 4 Vasculitis event, Vasculitis is a vampire, but with love it becomes a little nicer". That rings true. Thank you to the Angels bringing me just a glimmer of happiness and hope. May you receive the blessings threefold. 

Hillary, DNC, There is A Way to Restore Unity...

Dear Democratic Party, 

     There is something that can bring unity and restore democracy. Please, hear me out. See, we all know Bernie or Bust is a problem for the election this year, but it can be overcome. Lets explore how to do this, shall we?

     What upsets Bernie supporters, and hear me out, is that, after outing Debbie, Hillary could have completely denounced the actions of this election cycle. She could have distanced from it. Said no I wont support this. But within minutes she had offered her an honorary position in her campaign, even praising her work. 

     Even if its not an official spot, that move, it was a huge F you to all of us. She literally in one move said, screw you, what they did is fine, lets reward it buddy. You misbehaved, but here is a reward for it, you did great Debbie.

     Then at the convention (I was and am close to the delegates in two states, and I was one of them for my state who helped get them elected and fundraised to get there), they said that, while our local State party was amazing, they felt hated, and were being treated like irritants so to speak by the National Party. Like flies on a horses behind. Wether or not it is real, or perception, is irrelevant. Just having an atmosphere that was volatile enough to Bernie supporters where they felt unwanted there, IS a problem. 

     After all they ARE a type of elected official, chosen by the voters for a purpose. Treating them anything less than what they are, elected servants for us, is a disgrace.  Having their sings stolen. Refusal to help people get food drinks etc but yet Hillary supporters were ushered in and treated like queens and kings. I seen instance after instance. And seeing the Hillary delegate friends I have's experience versus the Bernie delegates experience was shocking even to me. 

     

     Literally the differences between state and national was like a local credit union vs a too big to fail bank. One they care about your needs, even with a job and a bottom line, they work together for you, but the other will do whatever they want, even throw up a metaphorical middle finger, because they feel like you should accept it and just roll over. Nothing you do will sway them because their minds are made up. Its horrible. I watched my amazing friends heartbroken, treated bad, their cherished Bernie signs ripped from them (Hillary signs were not taken away. Some unity huh?), and more. My Bernie sign is cherished by me. Because I cherish the work I did for him. If they ripped my sign, I am sorry, but a fight would have ensued. Because that sign is a part of my work. My history.  My job. My fight and passion. To have it ripped away and tossed aside for a forced Hillary unity sign is despicable. 

     It was not all bad though. When Bernie came on it was a true moment. A thing of beauty. Tears of joy, passion, pride, love, all the thing that are needed to win against someone like Trump in November. None of the pro Hillary people caused that reaction. None. Not one, besides Michelle Obama, came close to a drop in the bucket of stirring the passion thats needed to win, and grow to November. 

     If Hillary really loved America, she'd step down right now. Seeing what has been done, regardless of it's validity, perception is everything right now. And most people's perception of her and the party right now, is negative. 

      Every good point raised was all Bernie's doing. Not hers. They were all his ideas, echoed. Concessions to us to make us shut up. Not real and passionate beliefs of hers. Everything said just weeks ago she was mocking as unrealistic. She reluctantly agreed so she can win. 

     She just isn't seen as honest. Too many scandals. Shes not a good candidate. She will suck money like a sieve trying to repair her image, taking away from all the down ticket democrats we need right now. (Lets face it. The Republicans have the money to outspend all our local state and federal democrats. We need to spend that money wisely, spend it on something other than the constant mudslinging dodging that we will have to endure with Clinton  running. 

     And  it wont work anyway. The damage is done. The Only thing that would repair her tarnished image, and wipe the stain off of  the Democratic Party in the eyes of the people, the only way to restore both her integrity for the future, and the party is if she steps down. Anything less at this point is moot. 

     Hillary if you live America, realize that, while I admire your fight as a woman in a hard spot to fill, some things right now are more important than your status as the first female president. America needs something, and right now, it needs integrity. And you Hillary, I believe you have that enough to do the right thing. Step down and let the repair to your name and your party soar. Do something that will actually defeat Trump without costing all the down ticket democrats. And something that will go down in history as a great sacrifice that you made for our great country. 

     It is called integrity. And it is something we need more than pride and status right now. Our very lives depend on it. The very lives of millions depends on it. Is it reasonable to demand millions of angry disenfranchised and hurting people swallow their pain and just accept things, or is it more reasonable for one great person to sacrifice and usher our country into a new history that will forever be one for the books? 

     Your choice. Your move. Checkmate. 

Obsessive-Compulsive Mindfuggle

     Anyone who says stuff such as "I am so OCD" when they neatly organize their DVD collection by title, or clean their room so it is nice and organized, or who is bothered by an "unsatisfying video", please take a moment to listen to me.

     YOU DO NOT HAVE OCD! True, you may have some Obsessive-Compulsive tendancies. You may like it neat and orderly. But frivolously tossing around the words OCD like it is nothing actually causes stigma against those with the disorder. How? Let me tell you.

     When you frivolously toss words like OCD or Bipolar around, you negate the reality of the diseases that millions suffer from. You create an image of the disorder, one that is false, and it becomes what people think of when they think of the disease. Think of OCD. What comes to mind? I bet images of neat and orderly books or a clean house comes to mind. Maybe even hand washing a lot. What does not come to mind is the horrifying intrusive thoughts that precede a compulsive action (called the obsession), nor does the anxiety and terror come to mind. Nor does the complete compulsion to do something repeatedly that you in no way can control.

      Here is an example. I came home from my therapist's office to find blood on the bottoms of both the outside doors. My OCD stems from fears of contamination. I seen that and I froze. I began to panic. My mind whirled with thoughts of HIV and dying of AIDS. Logically I know that HIV doesn't live long at all outside of the body. I also know that if you do not touch it you have zero risk. But logic doesn't help OCD.

      I became a prisoner in my mind. I got in my home, and the rituals began full force. Washing. Sanitizing. I put bleach on my shoes. I threw away my food I bought even if it was in a bag and in no way touched the ground. I scrubbed my floors and doors. Then I went into full blown OCD mode. The fight within my brain to stop the rituals caused me to be unable to leave the bed for four days. I was terrified to leave my clean house. I ate two chicken strips and a cup of Mac n cheese that entire time. The thoughts of disease and contamination screwed up my brain so bad I couldn't talk, or do anything but wash things. It was horrific. I had to fight my brain to not be terrified to leave my house even after it was sanitized of the blood outside. I still am unsure if I will win that fight but I hope to.

      I know this sounds crazy, and it is. But that is the nature of the disease. It is insidious and hides just waiting to get you. A drop of blood. A sneeze. A thought. Anything can become a trigger for an OCD flare. And my contamination fears are not the only kinds of things OCD can cause. Others have fears of words or places, rituals around numbers, sex, violence, religion. Literally anything can be ruined by OCD. It is like living in your own personal hell. A prison that you can not escape. An anxiety induced void that leaves you drained, depressed, and terrified.

      So when I say please stop trivializing my disease with quips and quizzes, it is not to be mean. It is because we really need more awareness and education on the disease. You wouldn't share a quiz called "what kind of cancer are you"? Or say  "I got a cold must be my AIDS!" So why trivialize OCD?