Brain Scans and Unwashed Pans

Seriously. I have been dealing with a small issue that has me scared and at the mercy of doctors and their fabulous timing. See, i had a headache for four months. Every damn day. Combine that with stupidity at a communication level you have one weirded out neurologist who will stop at nothing to find what lies beneath. So I had a CT scan done of that piece of tissue between my ears, the brain. They seen on one slice a "hyperdense 2-3mm focus" and "motion artifacts which made reading the scan difficult".  Of course the small hyperdense focus is near the "foramen of monro" in the "anterior ventricle of my brain" in laymans terms despite the terrible issues with the scan, this small hyperdense focus is in the prime spot to be something called a colloid cyst. A colloid cyst is a growing cyst made up of all sorts of fun funky crap. It can block the flow of fluid in your brain and cause an enlargement of the ventricles and kill you. The cure? Invasive brain surgery to remove the cyst. Anyway they said it is not ruled out and i had to do an MRI to confirm or rule out said potential cyst so, i have been scared as hell processing a potential little asshole in my head that could change my life forever, and I schedule the MRI. I go there and thanks to my big ole lipoedema arms i barely fit in the MRI tube. Of course they can't scan you like that. Not to mention i nearly died of a panic attack going into that god forsaken tube of creepiness. The only thing good was the awesome people who were there. (Waves to buffy) So they scheduled me for an open MRI. Seriously, that thing looks like a giant hamburger bun and my butt was smack dab in the middle. This made me the meaty goodness inside the MRI bun. So i have the scan yesterday complete with a very bloody IV with contrast (i was being a thin blooded bleeding freakshow for some reason yesterday), and creating songs in my head when i heard the hellacious noises that machine makes (i may have created the next hit industrial song from my time in the scanner. trent Reznor should hit me up for the melody)... And now i wait. I'm trying to stay hopeful but it is scary facing something like this. I guess it has taught me to have gratitude for my life now, and that i need to stop sweating the dumb things. You learn from fear i think, and i hope to god this turns out to be nothing. Time will tell. Now to resist stalking the doctor until they give me the results. (Seriously. I will sit outside of his house with binoculars and a large 44oz soda hooting like an owl just for effect lol) I just want to move on with whatever the next step may be. Either rejoicing in a head free of lumps of blobby crap, or facing having my head poked in like some sort of zombie appetizer on a stick. Time will tell. Just breathe. And for god sake wash the damn dishes. Your kitchen looks like hell. 

Relief With a Side of Back to the Old Drawing Bored

My MRI scans came back clear! They originally thought I had what appeared to be a colloid cyst in my brain. Comparative scans and a team of specialists reading the scans and the original one as well ruled that out. I am so thankful i am in tears. The thing is while I really did not want a cyst or tumor in my brain, now I need to keep doing testing to figure out the causes of my symptoms. So it is gratitude followed with a side of "well now what?"

Now on to an EEG to rule out seizures and some neuropsych testing to rule out organic brain issues. Grateful and relieved beyond measure right now. I need a hug cause all these weeks of worry and fears have hit me at once now that i know i am okay with that part. Thank you to all who prayed for me and sent healing. 

Attitude of Grattitude

Lately people have been so kind to me. Little things, helping me clean the house, picking up and buying food at the vet for my cat, grabbing food and tampons and other stuff I need, and now gifts of coloring books and colors!!!! My life has been rough as of late. My legs are swelling terribly. I am not doing well with pain and fatigue. I injured my knee and came down with an upper respiratory problem. This is bad because I can't take my chemo and other immunosuppressive drugs when I am sick, so the Vasculitis takes over. I have been barely scraping by on the finances. It has been really hard. But these small acts of kindness, they change my life. They make it bearable and give me strength to keep fighting when I want to just give in. I need to remember God puts me where I need to be. Not where I want to be. Sometimes the bad stuff puts me into the middle of events that I can use to change lives. Chronic disabling diseases are hard. But small acts of love, they tame the beast. Like my niece drew during the Fargo ND Violin 4 Vasculitis event, Vasculitis is a vampire, but with love it becomes a little nicer". That rings true. Thank you to the Angels bringing me just a glimmer of happiness and hope. May you receive the blessings threefold. 

Hillary, DNC, There is A Way to Restore Unity...

Dear Democratic Party, 

     There is something that can bring unity and restore democracy. Please, hear me out. See, we all know Bernie or Bust is a problem for the election this year, but it can be overcome. Lets explore how to do this, shall we?

     What upsets Bernie supporters, and hear me out, is that, after outing Debbie, Hillary could have completely denounced the actions of this election cycle. She could have distanced from it. Said no I wont support this. But within minutes she had offered her an honorary position in her campaign, even praising her work. 

     Even if its not an official spot, that move, it was a huge F you to all of us. She literally in one move said, screw you, what they did is fine, lets reward it buddy. You misbehaved, but here is a reward for it, you did great Debbie.

     Then at the convention (I was and am close to the delegates in two states, and I was one of them for my state who helped get them elected and fundraised to get there), they said that, while our local State party was amazing, they felt hated, and were being treated like irritants so to speak by the National Party. Like flies on a horses behind. Wether or not it is real, or perception, is irrelevant. Just having an atmosphere that was volatile enough to Bernie supporters where they felt unwanted there, IS a problem. 

     After all they ARE a type of elected official, chosen by the voters for a purpose. Treating them anything less than what they are, elected servants for us, is a disgrace.  Having their sings stolen. Refusal to help people get food drinks etc but yet Hillary supporters were ushered in and treated like queens and kings. I seen instance after instance. And seeing the Hillary delegate friends I have's experience versus the Bernie delegates experience was shocking even to me. 

     

     Literally the differences between state and national was like a local credit union vs a too big to fail bank. One they care about your needs, even with a job and a bottom line, they work together for you, but the other will do whatever they want, even throw up a metaphorical middle finger, because they feel like you should accept it and just roll over. Nothing you do will sway them because their minds are made up. Its horrible. I watched my amazing friends heartbroken, treated bad, their cherished Bernie signs ripped from them (Hillary signs were not taken away. Some unity huh?), and more. My Bernie sign is cherished by me. Because I cherish the work I did for him. If they ripped my sign, I am sorry, but a fight would have ensued. Because that sign is a part of my work. My history.  My job. My fight and passion. To have it ripped away and tossed aside for a forced Hillary unity sign is despicable. 

     It was not all bad though. When Bernie came on it was a true moment. A thing of beauty. Tears of joy, passion, pride, love, all the thing that are needed to win against someone like Trump in November. None of the pro Hillary people caused that reaction. None. Not one, besides Michelle Obama, came close to a drop in the bucket of stirring the passion thats needed to win, and grow to November. 

     If Hillary really loved America, she'd step down right now. Seeing what has been done, regardless of it's validity, perception is everything right now. And most people's perception of her and the party right now, is negative. 

      Every good point raised was all Bernie's doing. Not hers. They were all his ideas, echoed. Concessions to us to make us shut up. Not real and passionate beliefs of hers. Everything said just weeks ago she was mocking as unrealistic. She reluctantly agreed so she can win. 

     She just isn't seen as honest. Too many scandals. Shes not a good candidate. She will suck money like a sieve trying to repair her image, taking away from all the down ticket democrats we need right now. (Lets face it. The Republicans have the money to outspend all our local state and federal democrats. We need to spend that money wisely, spend it on something other than the constant mudslinging dodging that we will have to endure with Clinton  running. 

     And  it wont work anyway. The damage is done. The Only thing that would repair her tarnished image, and wipe the stain off of  the Democratic Party in the eyes of the people, the only way to restore both her integrity for the future, and the party is if she steps down. Anything less at this point is moot. 

     Hillary if you live America, realize that, while I admire your fight as a woman in a hard spot to fill, some things right now are more important than your status as the first female president. America needs something, and right now, it needs integrity. And you Hillary, I believe you have that enough to do the right thing. Step down and let the repair to your name and your party soar. Do something that will actually defeat Trump without costing all the down ticket democrats. And something that will go down in history as a great sacrifice that you made for our great country. 

     It is called integrity. And it is something we need more than pride and status right now. Our very lives depend on it. The very lives of millions depends on it. Is it reasonable to demand millions of angry disenfranchised and hurting people swallow their pain and just accept things, or is it more reasonable for one great person to sacrifice and usher our country into a new history that will forever be one for the books? 

     Your choice. Your move. Checkmate. 

Obsessive-Compulsive Mindfuggle

     Anyone who says stuff such as "I am so OCD" when they neatly organize their DVD collection by title, or clean their room so it is nice and organized, or who is bothered by an "unsatisfying video", please take a moment to listen to me.

     YOU DO NOT HAVE OCD! True, you may have some Obsessive-Compulsive tendancies. You may like it neat and orderly. But frivolously tossing around the words OCD like it is nothing actually causes stigma against those with the disorder. How? Let me tell you.

     When you frivolously toss words like OCD or Bipolar around, you negate the reality of the diseases that millions suffer from. You create an image of the disorder, one that is false, and it becomes what people think of when they think of the disease. Think of OCD. What comes to mind? I bet images of neat and orderly books or a clean house comes to mind. Maybe even hand washing a lot. What does not come to mind is the horrifying intrusive thoughts that precede a compulsive action (called the obsession), nor does the anxiety and terror come to mind. Nor does the complete compulsion to do something repeatedly that you in no way can control.

      Here is an example. I came home from my therapist's office to find blood on the bottoms of both the outside doors. My OCD stems from fears of contamination. I seen that and I froze. I began to panic. My mind whirled with thoughts of HIV and dying of AIDS. Logically I know that HIV doesn't live long at all outside of the body. I also know that if you do not touch it you have zero risk. But logic doesn't help OCD.

      I became a prisoner in my mind. I got in my home, and the rituals began full force. Washing. Sanitizing. I put bleach on my shoes. I threw away my food I bought even if it was in a bag and in no way touched the ground. I scrubbed my floors and doors. Then I went into full blown OCD mode. The fight within my brain to stop the rituals caused me to be unable to leave the bed for four days. I was terrified to leave my clean house. I ate two chicken strips and a cup of Mac n cheese that entire time. The thoughts of disease and contamination screwed up my brain so bad I couldn't talk, or do anything but wash things. It was horrific. I had to fight my brain to not be terrified to leave my house even after it was sanitized of the blood outside. I still am unsure if I will win that fight but I hope to.

      I know this sounds crazy, and it is. But that is the nature of the disease. It is insidious and hides just waiting to get you. A drop of blood. A sneeze. A thought. Anything can become a trigger for an OCD flare. And my contamination fears are not the only kinds of things OCD can cause. Others have fears of words or places, rituals around numbers, sex, violence, religion. Literally anything can be ruined by OCD. It is like living in your own personal hell. A prison that you can not escape. An anxiety induced void that leaves you drained, depressed, and terrified.

      So when I say please stop trivializing my disease with quips and quizzes, it is not to be mean. It is because we really need more awareness and education on the disease. You wouldn't share a quiz called "what kind of cancer are you"? Or say  "I got a cold must be my AIDS!" So why trivialize OCD?

     

Long Time, No Post

   Well folks. It has been a hot minute since I have written on this thing. To be honest, I have been through a million things since 2019. It's 2023 now. Is there anybody out there?

    So, an update on my conditions. I recently have been diagnosed with Dermatomyositis. I still dont know a lot about it yet. However, there's a risk of cancers so now I have to have blood and urine tests, EMG, CT scan of my upper body, MRI of my muscles, a pelvic internal ultrasound and pap smear,  and colonoscopy. I am scared and very overwhelmed with the sheer volume of tests and magnitude of having to do this. I don't think I have a cancer. (I hope not) but it has to be done. But it is overwhelming.

   I also am back on the Methotrexate. Injection starting 0.5ml 1x a week. Low dose. But I generally tolerated it well in the past. But in times of CoVid I need to be more careful now. 

   Through this, today I left the clinic strong and stoic, head held high. No one can see my tears. But as soon as I got in the car, I started to shake, and cry. The panic and fear, and exhaustion, and uncertainty, and years of everything, combined with the sheer volume of what I must endure now left me sobbing in the car. I pulled it together and started to drive, stoic again.

     I called my niece as I was driving and had to be careful because I was crying again. She is such a beautiful soul and I felt bad for unloading my fears on her. But I know of anyone understands anxiety it is her. She's really a light in my life. I love my nieces and nephew. With my whole heart. They are part of why I fight when I feel like it's too hard. Because my love for them far exceeds my fears. 

   Then there is my wonderful boyfriend, such a sweet man. He is sipportive as well and can always be counted on when I need him. He is a gift to me and one I cherish every day. I only hope I can find some way to show him how special he is to me. I can not think of anything that is big enough to show him how much I love him, and how I will always be there for him, as he is for me, to the best of my abilities. I need to get him a special gift. Not for any reason but because he is a delight and my heart. 

   My mom she is a gentle soul. She has been through so much with me since childhood. Illnesses, hospitals, CSA, domestic violence, you name it, she has been there to help me as a child and an adult. She really doesn't see how much she means to me. But she is my heart too. I only hope I make her proud despite my life's plans taking a turn away from it's intent. 

    My cousin, she is so kind and gentle. She understands pain and feeling sick and how it affects you. She makes me feel. Less alone and more understood in our shared experiences. We have always been close and I hope we can always stay that way.

   My friends, the 3 that have been there through thick and thin, I wouldn't be able to say I am who I am without them. God I love them. Without question.

   So I have people who are there for me, and I will fight and keep going despite the fear and uncertainty. For them and for me. I just need to ensure that my mind doesn't roll down rhe rabbit hole into oblivion. So this blog will be updated more regularly now. 

Love to you all,

Tamara

Before You Praise Christianity Today

Everyone applauding Christianity Today, Evangelicals, and Christians for finally breaking with Trump, remember this: They KNEW Trump was a liar, a racist, a misogynist, an all out greedy and corrupt person. And they turned the other way when millions were suffering because of him. They DEFENDED him while the rest of us decried his behavior. They ONLY decided to cut ties and cut their losses after they realized that he was making them look bad. There are Bible verses that flat out describes these types of so called "Christians": 

 

"You hypocrites, rightly did Isaiah prophesy of you, saying, ‘This people honors Me with their lips, But their heart is far away from Me." ‘But in vain do they worship Me, Teaching as doctrines the precepts of men.’”

(Matthew 15:7-9)

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’” (Matthew 7:21–23).

In the last verse, the evildoers whom Jesus does not to know are fake Christians, false teachers, and nominal adherents of religion. 

So before you praise them for doing the right thing, one needs to ask, if they really followed the teachings of Jesus: teachings of love, equality, helping the poor, helping the foreign as if they were your neighbors, and helping the most vulnerable, or did they simply use God's name to gain more power, enforce that power through deceiving their followers to worship a false idol, and allowing those in power to hurt the very people Jesus Christ himself said to help, respect and love?

They did not do the right thing. They are doing image damage control, and that is way different than doing what is just and right.  

Shattered Glass and a Cautionary Tale

 

   I have anxiety. It is not a big secret. Some days are better than others, and sometimes I need more help than others. Today was a bad day, and I have no food I can make in the house. This means I need to go to the store, and it being a terrible day for anxiety, I wanted to ask my mom if she would be willing to come to the store with me, just for support. I find going to the store with another person helps me because I can talk to them and not focus on the noise and lights and bustle that overwhelms me. 

     Well, my mom didn't want to go. That's fine, but then the questions and comments inadvertently berating me about my weight and food started:

"You have to have chili left. You already ate ALL of that food you made?" (This is a reference to a large pot of chili I made five days ago, to which I replied that I had after eating it for multiple days. She scoffed.)

"I don't have fancy food. I see what you buy. You're just picky. I don't need mayo I just put tuna on bread" (This is her way of critiquing my food choices. I have multiple rare diseases, and the meds really mess with my stomach. I can only eat certain things without getting sick at times. And it changes. One time all I could eat without vomiting was nutty buddy bars! That is why I usually buy Ensure because I know that if I have this problem, solid food doesn't work, and if it does, eating one thing is not nutritious. I buy what I can afford, cook when in pain, and can eat without puking.)

Then came this beauty: 

"I seen you eat. You shovel your food in your face and if you eat like that it is no wonder you have no food" (One day when I was running my mom around to help her, I had to stop and get a Burger King meal. I hadn't eaten in over 16 hours and was dizzy and shaky. I asked her if we could stop and we did. I was just eating at a normal pace, and the whole time she was making comments about what I got, and how gross it was, and how she doesn't understand how I can eat that fattening crap, etc. That whole meal I felt like a fat, ugly piece of shit. Like I am to blame for my condition. But I am not. I have a fat disorder called Lipedema. I will write a blog post about that later)

     So, I just hung up the phone after she said this last comment. I suffer from eating disorders. I alternate between binge eating and anorexia. I really do not eat a lot. Ask anyone who is around me a lot. They always yelp at me for not eating and force me to eat sometimes. That on top of my stomach being torn apart from my meds. 

     Now I feel like I am just a fat, ugly, useless piece of crap. I am looking at my body, the one I have worked so hard to save, and to love, like it is a disgusting blob and I am fighting those inner demons of self hatred and that little voice I worked so hard to stifle that tells me to do whatever it takes to prove I am worthy of love, love that society tells me I do not deserve because I am fat. Fighting that feeling that tells me I have to punish myself for being so gross and ugly. 

      I am writing this to tell anyone who makes little remarks, you may think you are helping. You may think you have a right to nitpick someone's weight. But you do not know their struggles. Your words may very well create a door for those demons they are privately fighting to walk through, allowing them to attach to the soul of the person.

     Your words are powerful. You have the power to heal, to help. To spread love and compassion. Or you have the power to tear down. To hurt. To mock. To harm someone. Words hurt. I implore you all, before you speak or type something remember that you never know what demons someone is fighting. You don't know their pain or struggles. 

     Remember your words are like bricks. Will you use them to build someone up, or throw those bricks into the fragile glass door someone else has worked so hard to create that keeps their struggles at bay, shattering it, and the person? Your words. Your choice. I hope you make the right ones. 

On the Culture of Rape and Objectification

This may upset some people but I was asked before why I am against people who talk vulgar about women, and objectification of women. This is very personal and this is why. 

I've been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. The man acted like my body was his property. Commenting how I was beautiful and developing nicely just for him. He seen me as an object. I was objectified. 

I've been a victim of attempted rape by a man who bartered with someone I thought was a friend to use in exchange for a drug deal for them (a so called friend set it up for me to be raped by a friend of theirs as payment for them to get drugs). Again I was objectified. 

To both men I was property. They were very macho like. Catcalls. Talked vulgar and made jokes about women. And they acted like they owned my body. My body was an object to be used for them. It was not me being a human being with body autonomy.  No. I was a thing. A comment. A receptacle for their actions. Something to control. Not a human. 

That's why I refuse to condone males being pigs under the guise of boys being boys and it's just how men are. Not true. Abusers are that way. Bad men are that way. Good men don't act that way and do not see women as playthings. I also do not condone taking away women's rights to their own bodies. Doing so reduces women in the eyes of the law to property. A thing to be used for a purpose with no body autonomy and no rights. 

Anyone condoning that behavior of being vulgar "grab em by the pussy", taking away women's rights, "redefining rape", telling girls their clothes distract male students, slut shaming etc,  also condones what happened to me. Condones rape. Condones sexual abuse of girls and women. They also condone both men who abused me getting into less trouble legally combined than I did writing a bad check. Because what happened to me is a product of that thinking. The rape culture we live in. Women as punch lines. As property. As something to use instead of someone to respect. 

Until no more women are followed in dark parking lots by men looking to rape, until little girls are no longer considered sexual objects targeted by schools dress codes, until women can report abuse and rape and regardless of race or money, and the perpetrator gets harsh punishment and not a slap on the wrist, until women and girls are SAFE AND RESPECTED, I will not shut up. My body has been attacked. My psyche has been victimized by a culture that sees females as something instead of someone. I hope you stand with me to make our country safer for us. 

Thank you for listening and feel free to share.

Skeletons and Phantom Pains

Just like that the skeletons in my closet have rattled out.  So tired of fighting these fuckers and shoving them back into submission. Who’d have thought what happened over 30 years ago would still haunt me randomly? How the actions of others could have scarred me so deeply that I fear I will always be damaged. Don’t get me wrong. The wounds have healed. But like a lost limb, the phantom pains of  what was there but is no longer still attacks me at random. Leaving me to fight with myself, that little girl inside of me who just wants to be loved, but not like that. Maybe I just need to embrace her instead. She doesn’t deserve to be forever locked away in the dark. She is me and I am her. Once I can accept what she endured enough to fully love her, maybe we both can really heal. 

Just ramblings from a lunatic.